In these troubled times, I feel it is well worth while trying to appeal to the more public spirited of you out there. If anyone has any information regarding these crimes then please inform the proper authorities - you dirty grass, I ain't singing like a canary, I ain't doing no stir for no-one, you wont get me in the tool shed....
Incident: Heavy Artillery or Big Guns Missing
Date: Friday 1st July about 8:30pm
Location: Hanson Avenue
Last Seen: Leaving Adam Millership's Moth Ridden Wallet
Victim's Statement: : “I was so confident that I would win the hand, I thought I would roll out the ‘heavy artillery’, unfortunately my 7 high was not good enough to win. Sob, sob sob, sob ..etc etc……can I watch some porn now ?”
Suspects: Tom 'The Fist' Cox, Will 'Shirley' Ragg
Incident: GBH
Date: Saturday afternoons between 2:30 and 4:30
Location: London Road Football Pitch and various away grounds
Last Seen: A young man with what looked like a fanny on his head strolling away from a pile of bodies shouting "Get up, ya girl"
Victim's Statement: : "Ooooaaaafffffff!”
Suspects: Luke 'Granite' Belton
Incident: Indecent Exposure
Date: Saturday afternoons between 4:30 and 5:00
Location: Various football changing rooms
Last Seen: A large strawberry blond man dropping his poor excuse for a pair of pants and bending over in front of many helpless victims
Victim's Statement: : "My eyes! My eyes!”
Suspects: Stephen 'Blood Orange' Hedderman
Incident: Assault with a Deadly Weapon
Date: Early Hours of Friday Night
Location: Various Young (and not so young) Ladies' Bedrooms
Last Seen: Leaving the George at midnight with a Bunny Boiler in tow
Victim's Statement: : "That's never going to fit!”
Suspects: Tom 'Baby's Arm' Cox
Incident: Impersonating a Webmaster
Date: All the time - apparently
Location: The Village, NFU Mutual
Last Seen: Pretending to have a bad back while everyone else ran shuttles up the hill
Victim's Statement: : "He looks nothing like me, Kelly, you big northern git”
Suspects: Adam 'Carrot' Millership
Incident: Nuisance Phonecalls
Date: After 10pm at Weekends
Location: ????
Last Seen: In Amsterdam - a young lady from Portsmouth on the arm of Luke "Tattoo" Belton
Victim's Statement: : "Someone keeps ringing me up all p!ssed and I can't understand what they're saying”
Suspects: Luke "Scars" Belton would like to admit his guilt to get a lighter sentence but can't remember if it's him or not
Incident: Drunk and Disorderly, Being a Public Nuisance, Inciting Riots
Date: Saturday 13th August 2005
Location: Shipston Sports Club, Shipston Town Centre
Last Seen: No doubt, stumbling home as the sun rises with a traffic cone on his head and Coxy holding him up.
Victim's Statement: : "No more beater for you, Kelly!” "Get off that table" "Put your shirt back on" "Get those teabags off my face" "You're barred"
Suspects: Kevin "Amarillo" Kelly