| Name | Chris Alexander |
| Date of Birth | 05/08/86 |
| Position | Bench |
| Personal Motto | Always the virgin |
| Hero | Anyone who buys me beer and fags |
Status: Very Single (Keeps mentioning women but we never see them)
Occupation: Student/Beggar/Gypsy
Most likely to say: Can I crash a fag, Coey?
Favourite Band/Singer: Chas & Dave/The Levellers
Favourite Footballing Moment: Watching Sol Campbell sprinting - what thighs!
Interesting Fact: Chris learned all that he knows about women from Paul Jewett - which is why he dances like a Nancy and is still a virgin!
The Interview
Thank you for giving us a few minutes of your time, Chris.
That's O.K. but we need to be quick as I'm supposed to be revising.
Right. It's fair to say you've come from nowhere this season to command regular starts on both Saturdays and Sundays.
Yeah, it really has been a good year for me. All the spare time I had last year was causing me to waste what little money I had.
On hand cream and art pamphlets?
Yeah, but now I'm kept busy with football, my money's spent on more important things like beer and fags.
Early in the season, it was fair to say that your fitness levels were not quite what they should be?
Yeah, I struggled with my stamina, but my left arm muscle is down to the same size as my right now and I think that helps.
You were actually substituted for your Sunday Team Manager in one game, weren't you?
Yeah but that was due to injury.
Sprained wrist?
No, ankle.
In a desperate attempt to actually see a real life breast, I heard you bribed a girl to show you her pierced nipple. Is that true?
No, we had a bet, all official like, and she lost.
Right. O.K. a bet then, not a bribe. And if you had lost?
I would have had to change my underpants at least once a week.
Dodged a bullet there then!
Yep.
The Sunday side's last game is a couple of weeks away. Will you be able to afford the day long celebrations afterwards?
Yeah, I've been saving up my paper-round money and it's bob-a-job week next week so I should be well sorted.
Finally, I hear that you can do a great Spiderman impersonation.
Well I sometimes have webbed fingers when I wake up in the morning, but that's about it.
Excellent. Well thank you for sharing this time with us.
No problem...you couldn't crash me a fag and give me a lift home could you.....