| Name | Kevin F P Kelly |
| Date of Birth | 26/11/73 |
| Position | Off the shoulder of the last defender |
| Personal Motto | Upstairs for thinking, downstairs for dancing |
| Hero | Stuart McCall, Shane MacGowen |
Status: Married to the delightful Mrs Kelly with Master Kelly in tow
Occupation: Works for Delphi who are 'driving tomorrows technology' apparently, which I presume means they've all got Smart Cars.
Most likely to say: Eeeeh bye gum, ekky thump, flatcap, whippet etc
Favourite Band/Singer: Claims Shane McGowan & The Pogues but loves a bit of Craig David as well
Favourite Footballing Moment: Discovering like-minded souls in the Reserves Midfield
Interesting Fact: Despite the accent, Kev was actually born and raised in Tunbridge Wells
The Interview
Thank you for giving us a few minutes of your time, Kevin.
No probs, Frenchy.
How have you enjoyed your time at the football club?
Aye well it were a bit of a shock at first compared to my old club, what with the running water and electricity, but I soon settled in and I've loved it ever since.
Last season you won the Players' Player Award and finished as the Reserves Golden Boot, how's this season going?
We've moved up a division and the standard is definitely tougher but we're finding our feet and not doing to bad.
And yourself?
Aye, none to bad.
So you're not worried that you've only scored half as many goals as Gareth so far this season?
No, tap-ins and penalties are harder to come by at this level.
Moving away from the pitch, I hear that you're a bit of a lightweight despite (supposedly) coming from up t'north?
Rubbish, can drink for England, me.
Really, and what about the time in Bournemouth where you attempted to conquer the cruel mistress that is Stella and ended up passed out on your bedroom floor by 6 in the evening?
That never happened - at least I can't remember it.
No surprise there, can you explain the quaint practise of dwarf bothering that you've brought down from the icy chills of t'north?
It's a traditional thing from my home town of Eccles.
Following your recent success staring in a certain well known fantasy trilogy, will you be looking for anymore film work?
O no, Mr Frodo, I don'ts think so, I don't trust them filmies, they're not from the shire.
I hear they're casting for Willow II, not interested?
I just wants to go back home, Mr Frodo.
Right OK, well thanks for your time, Samwise.
It were my pleasure, Mr Chris, eeeeh bye gum ekey thump etc.